


Considering Others

by Pookaseraph



Category: Suits (TV)
Genre: Angst, Episode Related, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-26
Updated: 2012-06-26
Packaged: 2017-11-08 15:17:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/444581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pookaseraph/pseuds/Pookaseraph
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If someone had asked - even a year ago - how Harvey fell in love, he couldn't have said. There was no precedent. Coda/missing scenes/ruminations by Harvey from The Choice (2.02) that deal with Harvey's developing feelings for Mike.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Considering Others

**Author's Note:**

> This will no-doubt be Jossed, possibly as soon as Thursday, but just a few short feelings and potential thoughts from Harvey on his actions in The Choice.

Harvey wasn't the type of man to admit to mistakes, but when he made a mistake he would do anything in his power to not make it again. His lavender shirt - he only had one - was hung up neatly, but Harvey did not wear it; mostly he didn't take it because it was far too soon to wear the same shirt again. Despite his distraction he knotted his tie perfectly and didn't stoop to saying 'please' and 'thank you' when he gave Donna instructions for the morning.

Donna still knew. Her previous statements that she did, in fact, know all felt more and more accurate as time went on.

She allowed him barely a minute to settle into his desk before she stormed in. "Something's wrong. Did Jessica go back on her word about Mike?" Of course she somehow managed to know that it was about Mike.

Harvey shook his head.

A few moments later she slid into the chair across from him, eyes concerned and far too maternal. "Are you going to give me a hint or do we need to play a guessing game again? I'll do it." And she sat, watching him, eyes raking over him and looking into him. Harvey knew his own gaze was unnerving, but he felt Donna's in his spine.

"Mike came over last night after his date with Rachel," Harvey answered.

Donna gave every impression of already knowing that or at least the news of the date hadn't surprised her. And she... missed it - Harvey's tone. Perhaps he wasn't quite so far gone as he sometimes thought he was. He could look Mike in the eyes and tell him that he didn't give a damn if he dated Rachel or not, but nothing could have been further from the truth.

"He wants to tell her," Donna said. Getting it just a moment later. "I'm so sorry, Harvey."

His confused look must not have shown the whole story, because Donna continued to ramble rather than note how surprised he was that she was apologizing.

"Rachel and I talked about it, about her kissing Mike, and I thought... 'what's the harm?' I didn't think he'd even consider telling her. Well, that's Mike for you." It should have annoyed him but it didn't. Donna's tone was fond, as thought Mike was a puppy who really couldn't help himself some days. Donna wasn't wrong.

"I told him..." Sharing his and Mike's secret with Donna had been reasonable in Harvey's mind - Donna knew everything he did, sometimes before he thought it. Sharing his and Mike's secret with Jessica had been a necessary evil that had forced Harvey's hand beyond what he thought he would have been willing to accept. "I told him that if he told her, we were done and he was fired."

He'd thought that Donna would protest. One of the things that they didn't share was a particular sort of romance. "Rachel wouldn't take it well," Donna said. "Even without Mike's... Mike-ness. She's wanted to be a lawyer for years, and to find out she didn't go to law school and that Mike didn't either, but he's the big-shot Associate...?"

Harvey didn't bother to keep track of various paralegals' issues - it was so far out of what he concerned himself with that he didn't even have an inkling - but it was nice to know that he'd been exactly right about her. "Kid needs to learn to keep it in his pants."

Donna arched an eyebrow at him.

"Emotionally," Harvey clarified, because apparently that wasn't clear the first time. "He was in love with Jenny last week, and now he's so in love with Rachel he can't have a relationship with a lie between them?"

She caught him; Harvey saw the exact moment, the exact arch of the eyebrow, where he knew he'd said too much. Harvey Specter was not supposed to give a damn about who his Associate was in love with or about who he was dating. Even when it made his life unendingly complicated he was supposed to be casually disdainful of Mike's emotions, not... bitter.

"Oh my god. You..." Harvey winced, waited for the joke. "Wow..." He had rendered Donna speechless. "Well... this is a first, I think. It's a first, right?"

Harvey mutely nodded, wishing he could take it all back. If someone had asked - even a year ago - how Harvey fell in love, he couldn't have said. There was no precedent.

Apparently Harvey fell in love with Mike.

Mike went against every piece of good sense Harvey had. He had put his career on the line for Mike only hours after he had met him. All Mike had to do was ask, not even ask, and Harvey would defend him from Louis, from Jessica, from _anyone_. He might joke about his not-quite-true reputation for not feeling, but Mike made him break it all the damn time. Mike might talk about WWHD, but even when he couldn't put it into practice, Harvey thought about what Mike would do. Mike had a thousand little ways he had solved so many of Harvey's problems it would blow his mind if he ever realized it. And Mike...

"I'm pretty sure he's straight." Harvey had seem Mike fall in love a dozen times - at least - since starting at Pearson Hardman, and he had no delusions that his observations had created an exhaustive list. "It doesn't change anything. Mike can't tell her his secret, and if he can't be in a relationship with someone who doesn't know, then he'll just have to not date anyone."

"I'll take care of it," Donna answered. Donna was always ready to take care of it.

"Like you took care of Rachel and Mike in the first place?" His voice was all bite, all cold anger, and yet Donna didn't bite back. She looked guilty. If she'd thought Mike would have a problem with a lie between him and Rachel, if she'd known about Harvey's feelings, if she'd had any idea of how badly all of this would blow up in their faces, she never would have encouraged Rachel or Mike. Harvey _knew_ that, but it didn't ease the feeling of betrayal he had toward Donna.

"I had no idea, Harvey."

"Proof that you don't know everything." He smirked at her, a soft one, not a hard, dismissive smirk.

"Go get a coffee or something."

"It's funny because it's usually the Assistant who goes and gets the Senior Partner his coffee..." But Harvey didn't complain further. He wasn't even really complaining. He recognized the excuse - he wasn't as put together as he should have been, and if he saw Mike he would no-doubt do something poorly thought out and stupid. The reason his and Mike's partnership worked so well was because Mike had the monopoly on doing stupid, thoughtless shit, no reason to break that streak now.

*

Harvey still could not quite grasp the idea that Jessica Pearson, the Junior Partner who had seen so much potential in him a decade-and-a-half ago, didn't realize he was _serious_ about Mike. Jessica thought he was bluffing, _still_ thought he was bluffing, when he'd said if he went, Mike went. Harvey had threatened to go to Peterson on Mike's first day. _That_ had been a bluff, but when Harvey had looked Jessica in the eyes and said he'd go if Mike went, it hadn't been.

And Jessica Pearson hadn't caught that.

Jessica had always had an intuitive understanding of him, she always seemed to know exactly what he was thinking. She was the one person he thought would know instantly. Maybe things with Hardman were clouding her perceptions, but Harvey thought he was pathetically obvious. Maybe he wasn't. Who was to say what Harvey Specter looked like when he was in love? Jessica would have been even less able to tell than Harvey had been.

Mike... Harvey knew how Mike fell in love. Mike fell in love at first sight; Mike conducted all his relationships with a sort of soul-deep honesty that Harvey could only imagine; Mike was incapable of doing true wrong by any of the many people he fell immediate and irrevocably in love with. Mike would never intentionally break someone he loved. 

Harvey would step over, walk on, and trample damn near anyone to get to the prize.

Except for Mike.

No wonder Jessica had thought he was bluffing. It never would have crossed her mind that he'd be able to put someone else in front of himself. Hell, in spite of everything she'd done for him, Harvey couldn't put Jessica head of himself; she'd accused him of exactly that, and she wasn't wrong.

And that, more than anything, made him uncomfortably aware of the last time he was willing to fall on his sword for someone. Cameron. Something kept him from being able to give the same courtesy to Jessica - the woman who had dragged him out of the mail room and given him everything - as he had to Cameron - the man who screwed him over and jeopardized his license, the man who cheated and lied behind his back and eventually to his face.

Harvey had terrible taste in men. It was a startling thing to realize about oneself in your late thirties. It was a revelation; before Mike, he never would have categorized what he'd felt for Cameron that way. Their relationship had been nothing more than a deep affection of a protege for a mentor, not quite tangled up in the baser lust he felt for women. The thought held no deep meaning for his sexuality, he'd long ago contented himself to avoiding any actual attraction he had towards men. Harvey was now left with the revelation that even if Mike hurt him in every way possible, Harvey wouldn't be able to make himself stop caring.

He went to see Donna, still perched at her desk, working in a way that suggested she was more likely cultivating contacts than doing anything related to the work of the firm. "Office."

She followed him wordlessly.

"I need this to stop."

"This?" She asked. For a moment he thought she might just be playing dumb, but no, Donna did not play dumb or coy with him. "Do you want the lie or the truth?"

"Truth." He needed to be honest, he needed to know exactly how badly this was going to continue to mess with his head.

"It will never go away." Donna's face said it all, no, it never went away. "You're never going to look at him and not see Rachel. You're never going to stop wondering that if maybe you did something differently it wouldn't have worked out like it did. You're going to watch him move on, find the right girl, and get married and it's going to hurt like hell."

He and Donna worked because she was never gentle with him. Harvey nodded before turning away to look out of the windows of his office, thinking. "You can go home. I have things to take care of."

Things. Mike, maybe Jessica, definitely in that order.

"Are you going to be alright?" Harvey could only shrug in response. "He's down in the file room."

He'd figured as much. That was where Mike went when he needed to hide from the world, from Louis, from Harvey, or anyone else. It made it a lousy hiding place if Harvey always knew he could find Mike there. Harvey couldn't always count on Mike, not necessarily to never mess up a case, but he could _trust_ Mike. Mike would do the right thing, always. Harvey knew Mike would meet someone else, would never look at Harvey that way and see anything but the guy in the pricey suit who gave him a chance.

It was alright, he supposed. Mike would fuck up, he always did, but Harvey knew Mike would never intentionally break Harvey's heart. That might make it hurt just a little less every time he did it without thinking.

Probably not.

*

He didn't know Mike had ended it with Rachel - not for certain - until the moment he saw Mike's back, shoulders slumped, in the file room. Harvey couldn't quite help the bitter twist of satisfaction in his stomach at that. Jealousy. It wasn't becoming, he barely recognized it for what it was, but yes, Harvey Specter was jealous of a leggy paralegal who'd caught his Associate's eye when Harvey hadn't.

Months ago, he had dismissed what he felt for Mike as some twisted sort of narcissism. There were pieces of Harvey that he saw in Mike, pieces he could find admirable and attractive in a safe, distant, selfish way. With time, it was the differences - the places where Mike invariably held his ground - that Harvey found most attractive. Harvey couldn't bend, not as far as Mike wanted him to, not as far as anyone wanted him to, but if Mike asked - if Mike was disappointed - he found it impossible not to try to stretch just a touch further.

Mike had left a small mess of papers in the file room, and Harvey tucked them all away back into their boxes without a thought of complaint. His and Mike's secret was safe, Harvey was protected from having to watch Mike in love for another few days, maybe even weeks.

Harvey knew Mike was right; he _knew_ he'd let Jessica down with the Madison 25 deal. He'd done right to do wrong, or wrong to do right, and in the end Harvey had cost Jessica the support of a voting partner. Harvey could have justified it to himself, told himself that Jessica would never have had Paul's support even if Harvey had closed the deal the way he'd been told to. He had hurt Jessica. He still couldn't find it in him to feel guilty for making Madison 25 happen, but the guilt and sadness that he had hurt Jessica was creeping in.

The terrifying realization was even though they weren't dating, even though they would never date, even though Harvey was sleeping with and dating women, Mike made Harvey... a better person. Jessica had called him 'maybe the best of both of us'. He tried to forget himself, tried to forget what he would do. He'd done the right thing by the client and the wrong thing by Jessica. What would Mike do? Apologize, probably.

Harvey wasn't the 'I'm sorry; I was wrong' type. He couldn't have said it anyway, not to Jessica. He could wiggle the truth in a thousand different ways, but he wouldn't perjure himself, and Jessica would have known anyway. He had to be better than this. He told Mike that all the time. Mike had to be better than letting his emotions get in the way and allowing them to pull and push him the wrong way around on a case, but Harvey had to be better than that, too.

He circled around the fiftieth floor in silence. It was beyond late, even the Associates had long since gone home. Harvey looked in Hardman's office, at the _taupe_ , such a small tweak of color and yet so out of place in the sleek modernity that Jessica had cultivated as the Pearson Hardman aesthetic in the past five years.

Jessica's silver tea service sat in the corner, on her trolley. Harvey couldn't deny that the damn thing suited Hardman's office more, but it was Jessica's, Pearson Hardman was Jessica's, and Harvey - and Mike - were Jessica's. Harvey ducked into Hardman's office; it wasn't a matter of taking the thing back, if Jessica had wanted to do so she could do it at any time, he hoped it would be enough. He couldn't be sorry, he wouldn't be sorry, but he could be there for her, and Jessica needed that more than Harvey's regret.

Harvey wasn't certain it came across in translation; being a truly decent human being was new to him.

*

Home was dark and cold and empty when Harvey got back from work. Harvey tried not to take it personally or accept it as thematic. Mike had thought Harvey had told himself he had plenty of time to find the right girl when he was 25; the truth was that Harvey had never even considered it; he hadn't cared. He'd wanted a nice apartment - followed by a nice condo - he'd wanted money, he'd wanted expensive things, and he'd wanted the lifestyle. The idea of sharing it with anyone for more than a few nights never came into the picture.

Before Mike, he was content to tell himself that he was exactly that shallow and vapid. After Mike, he decided that it just sometimes took a really long time to find the person you wanted to share everything with.

He was far too sober for that type of self-reflection. He poured himself a scotch and headed to his closet, stripping out of his tie and jacket, punctuating each move with more scotch than was prudent. Harvey had already decided he shouldn't get drunk tonight, but sometimes it was particularly tempting.

The knock on the door reminded him of his own promise that he needed to move. It was unlikely to be anyone but Jessica or Mike, both possibilities were not ones that Harvey was particularly looking forward to. He considered pretending to be out, but his feet took him toward the door even while he considered it. One handed, still clinging to his scotch, he undid the top three buttons of his shirt, stripping off the worst of Harvey Specter, taking off his armor.

Mike.

He sighed. He'd almost been hoping for Jessica. "Here to change your mind again?"

"Can I come in?"

Harvey backed away from the door, and Mike followed him in wordlessly. Harvey finished his scotch and poured himself another from where he'd left the bottle on the breakfast island. "Well?"

"Donna told me." Harvey froze mid-drink. "What you did for me, what you said to Jessica that made her let me stay."

Of course. Harvey took a shallow sip and put the glass down. Some things a man needed to be sober for, and having this conversation with Mike was certainly one of them. "And?"

"Thank you." Mike was so earnest, those ridiculous blue eyes looking up - just slightly - at Harvey. "It sort of got lost in everything else that happened today but... thank you. If it weren't for you deciding to take a chance on me, there wouldn't be a job for you to protect, there wouldn't be a secret for me to keep. I'd still be stuck on a path that I never wanted, doing stupid things for peanuts."

"I don't want your gratitude, Mike."

Mike took it poorly, Harvey watched his eyes close off and lower. "Then what the hell do you want, Harvey?"

_You._

Harvey grabbed his scotch and turned around. "I want you doing your damn job, Mike. You need... you need to trust me, you need to trust Jessica. I told you that I can't tell you everything that's been going on but I have your back. And I need you to believe it, _really_ believe it, when I say that there's a lot more at stake right now than your job and whether or not you get the girl."

"You said I could take down the firm."

Of course Mike remembered. Harvey turned around, fixing his eyes on Mike, because Mike needed to understand this. Harvey needed to see that Mike understood this. "And me and Jessica. Now _she's_ putting everything on the line for you, too. So this isn't just about you, and it isn't even just about me anymore, this is about the firm, our _lives_."

"So the firm is our lives now?" Mike asked. He was resigned to it now, and deflated. "I want... I _need_ more than that, Harvey."

Harvey was in no mood to be kind on the subject. "You need a girlfriend, you go make up with Jenny. You still love her, right? Or are you really just that fickle?"

"Damn it, Harvey, I'm not... _fickle_." Mike took a deep breath. "I just went from having one person to care about and one person who cared about me to having way too many. I know you like to be above it all, but are you really telling me it never hurt to give up something or someone you really wanted on the way to the top? I can't be like you. I can't just turn off my emotions like that."

"I've given up people, Mike."

That finally stopped Mike's tirade in his tracks. Maybe it was the tired way he said it, tipsy with just too much alcohol and stress and too little sleep. "People?"

"People I love," he clarified, since that was clearly at the heart of it.

"And you think it should be worth it for me to give that up?"

There was no polite way to say it, no soft comforting words. "Your life is a lie, Mike. You want this life, you want to get out of that other world you knocked yourself into, then your lie is your life. Do you want this? Because if you don't--" Then Harvey had given up _everything_ for Mike, Jessica, his job, his lifestyle, his life, and his heart, and it would be for nothing.

"I want it." But he sounded tired, not assured. "But... _why?!_ Why did you do this to me?"

"I already answered that question." Weeks ago - before Cameron.

"You did, but you didn't, Harvey. You like the adrenalin? You like the challenge? You like to live life up here?" Mike made the hand gesture, his hand up by his own head. "If you're serious about how much is riding on me being at Pearson Hardman, and I just keep fucking fucking it up for you, you're not playing up here anymore, you're way above that now. Do you even like that?"

No. It was uncomfortable as hell. Every day was another day he and Mike and Jessica were all at risk of toppling a house of cards. Harvey shook his head.

"Then _why_?"

"I didn't do it for me." It cost him everything to say. Sometimes he did things for someone else, usually behind their backs, grand gestures, tiny gestures, and everything in between, but he did them on his own terms, because that was what he had wanted to do. Ultimately even his most altruistic gestures were about him in some way. He was selfish and man enough to admit it. Mike hadn't been a lawyer that long, Harvey didn't know if the kid could read what was between those words. Mike always accused him of caring but Harvey never, ever, actually agreed with him while the kid could _hear_.

"Oh." 

Harvey couldn't tell what conclusion Mike had reached. His eyes were closed off enough that Harvey couldn't read him. Something had changed, though, something had shifted. Even if Mike didn't know what admitting that really meant to Harvey he would, someday. He doubted Mike would forget.


End file.
